we're all somewhere in the world today, awake, and looking.
but this somewhere for me leaves a particular taste on your tongue
induces a chill by its touch
and arrests the windows with its flaking weightlessness. heavy to watch, heavy to comprehend.
it allows for no escape would a candle tilt its poison tip to the lips of an unwary curtain
and i lie here in a twilit pink haze, releasing breaths upon an immovable whiteness
watch the four corners of my windows slowly cascade with winter's unfeeling intent.
and i wonder can i possibly find my blanket a shield enough now
from the snatching of my desire:
to bound back into a sun-grazed night
without the weary heaping of a season not yet gone by,
with immobility its only gain.
6.2.10
4.2.10
sad-sop, but pretty.
i sat on the patio chair, outside looking in through the window.
everyone stared back at me from all sides but the right one.
i clasped my fingers together and uttered one of those inconstant prayers,
asking,
no begging,
for a dream come true on such short notice.
i blew a kiss at you, hoping the glassy panes wouldn't deflect my affection back to me,
useless in my possession.
i guess my second worst fear was confirmed, considering you didn't turn around even in mock surprise.
or maybe i was in fact living a nightmare, because you knew, and didn't turn on purpose.
whatever the case,
i'll turn my back to you now and give you a chance to let me feel staring eyes at my back.
but somehow i doubt i'll be swiveling around to catch you in a blushing act anytime soon.
sorry if i love you too much.
it's the downfall of my heart, the trademark of my soul.
my forever relentless love.
i found this written in my handwriting on a pad of cornflower blue, lined paper.
from 2009, that's about all i can remember.
2.2.10
self realization blah blah blah
1. i hate wasting time
2. so i waste time thinking of ways i can better use my time
3. this makes me feel like i'm wasting time
4. in which i waste time trying to overcome and forgive myself for wasting time
5. then i realize i've been wasting time
6. and i have a higher conviction in my hate for wasting time
this was a waste of time. i never learn.
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